Fragments of a Lady

2011-03-09T04:08:00.000-08:00

When you loved me wholly then I were free.

Then there lay fragments of magic in the wake of your stride.

The couple had volcanoes for friends. They fell in love with the strange animals.
And though they knew their friends could be there end, they wanted it no other way.

My memories run past me as I stand and watch then ocean. I catch them pass and i turn, running behind them as fast as I can. I run toward them and after their glory and I grasp, running arms outstretched as though a magnet were pulling me fast.
My hands slip, my grasp is too weak, and they are gone now, as soon as they came.

Messing my hair in their gale I fall short and look on. I fear I will chase them forever.

Orbit

2011-01-01T01:22:00.000-08:00

My heart is so entirely broken that i don't know myself anymore.

I do however know, that I will never be entire again. The memory of such happiness will never leave me.

I miss him so much that my heart burns through my chest at almost every moment. I find my life quite spun around now, in to a new and unmistakeably darker orbit. The truth is, i would like nothing else but to spend ten thousand years together with him, wrapped up in his tender arms, making him smile at each moment and watching him breathe. There is now nothing else that I want. Life is not glorious now as it was then, for too short a time.

It feels as a perpetual state of mourning does, as a moth perhaps feels in a web.

2009-09-19T02:50:00.000-07:00

Wonder Lust

2009-02-06T04:56:00.000-08:00

I fell in love again last week.

It was kind and it was cruel and despite the heat I felt cold.

Still I loved.

The further I find myself from last week, the closer I am drawn to this feeling of love I found.

Oh lord! How many times have I cried out in love? Shall these tears continue? Shall this heart be found?

The stars, each night betray my lust with their sparkle. They lead me astray.

I find my heart laughing at these tears now. For years have passed, and each sunrise surely sets.

Wonder seeps in to each gaze now, and then the inevitable darkness falls...as does my heart.
Simultaneously my wonder-lust follows the sunrise down, and into the ether my faith slowly disappears.

Were it not for the good souls who hold my puppet strings then I would never be held.
I cannot hold these hands of mine alone.

Its cold outside. The breeze develops.

And still I sit.

Oh lord where is my love? Did I give it away too many times now? Is the jar on my red shelf spent?
Has frivolity caught me up? Will another find what I seek... and keep it.. is there no more consequence in my stars? Did I see him walk by? Did I let him go? Did I give away the island for the oasis in the sand?

Oh lord say it isn't so.

Whisper to me as I sleep. Watch me breathe, and stroke my skin.

I don't know how long it's been

2008-10-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

But i want it all back.

I want to say hello again, to share the fist kiss again and to re-write all that has been written.

I thought I'd never lose what i had gained, but life teeters on a jagged edge, doesn't it?
Everything is impermanent, everything tangible is sure to disappear.

And all that shall remain is my memory...of time gone. Bye.

Now is called..

2008-10-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

....a new beginning.

Yesterday may only exist in the past, in permitted memories.

Forsaking that, well, then i am forsaken.

No longer am i numb as i once was and have trained myself to be. I am not a servant, I am not a shell. I deserve to feel and so I shall, from now on.

I lay here, in my first solitary sanctuary since i can even remember and i am happy.
But as the numbness fades, the icy-cold emotions thaw, i find myself left with the pain i happily chose to ignore for so long.

After focusing my thoughts and emotions on all the bad, and acting without censor I am now sobering my heart, and i realise that i have lost. That I did love, that i was love, and that I chose to let go. The consequence of that letting go is that now that man wants none of me, not my voice, nor my words, nor any association with anything that i am, and this is what hurts the most...for I tried to love him, I truly did.

So I lay here alone, pondering, sad and feeling great remorse..but with the opportunity to start anew, alone.

Forever shall i wonder if I let go of fate for fear of complacency.

And although I then laid awake, unsatisfied and sad in his bed, it's only now i remember when we were beautiful... when we made love on a remote beach, when we smiled across crowded rooms, when we broke bread together and it was more than bread, when the music we listened to was more than music. It's only now that its too late that I see what i should have seen so long ago.

Grant me serenity. Grant me strength. Grant me courage.

Grant me love. Unveiled and nude.

Fragments...the first post

2008-10-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

I can only picture his face in fragments now.

His eyes, his lips, his nose.

This happens, i suppose after i haven't looked at him for awhile, his entirety fades a little from a picture in my mind, into fragments.

Truth be told I haven't looked at him properly for more than the time it takes to achieve restful slumber. But the feeling is still the same. The tingle. The butterflies. The cold sweat of lust, of longing.
I fear this shall never change. Whether i was to see him again or not, this feeling he unleashed in me shall never fade. It shall never fragment.

It always happens when you least expect it, isn't that how the old saying goes?

This was more than an unexpected happening, more than a fateful meeting. This changed me, and i chose to betray my morality and his...because we simply couldn't not.

Never have i been so deeply magnetised to any person or thing as i was to him, as i am to him.
Putty when he's on my mind. Putty at the idea that such a man breathes, and has breathed me in.

Betraying all consequence, I think we both knew the moment we saw one another, that something shifted that night. Breaking what we once considered our devotions, into fragments.

I don't know what the future holds for us, or even if it holds an 'us' at all. But when i close my eyes and dream i know that he is the future i wish to hold. I could live the rest of our lives in my imagination in an instant. A beautiful, Idealistic instant........Reality seems bleak and unreal when i open my eyes again.

I guess looking back, it all transpired as God intended, or as the Universe intended, or as the stars that hold such consequence saw fit. A bittersweet love that existed only for a moment in time, for a fragment of my life.

It's true that i have been in love before. That i have loved, and been loved well, and badly, and happily, and sadly.
Perhaps i have fallen too quickly at times into another, but always with conviction, and always with all of myself.
These loves were long affairs, timely relationships of deep and profound exploration of each other, open in their existence. My life became his, and his mine.
Every time.

WHY then, does a fragment mean more to me than any of those other loves i have known? Why is it i am saturated in desire for a man I cannot explore, or even call? A man who I would give the world to, but cannot for he is already walking in this life with another girl.

I can't not, but I don't know how to.
And now i sit here, no matter where i am and I want for something that i just can't have.

He burned a love shaped heart on my soul, he extracted the piece like a child's toy and he hid it, and I can't get it back